THIS IS A MOVIE THE MOVIE
by irjesusthe2nd
Summary: A screenplay I wrote for school. I couldn't fully retain the screenplay format but it's close enough. ENJOY!


EXT. OUTSIDE, SUNNY, 4 PM

A red car has just crashed into a tree. A woman runs over to  
the car. She is dressed in a Hooters uniform. She opens the  
door quickly to find a small man with no legs and dark black  
glasses behind the wheel.

MONICA  
Oh my god sir, are you okay?

JIMMY  
Yes, I am fine. I just injured my  
car.

MONICA  
Do you need any medical assistance?

JIMMY  
No, I'm fine. But my car isn't.

A small fire begins to form on the front of the car.

MONICA  
Why?

JIMMY  
Because it hit a tree.

MONICA  
When was this?

JIMMY  
Just now.

MONICA  
Okay.

Monica then takes out her cell phone and dials a number. On  
her phone.

EXT. TOW TRUCK PLACE, DARK, 4:01 PM

The phone rings as Terrance nearly drifts off to sleep.  
Terrance is a large man with jeans and a shirt and a face  
and eyes. He screams an absurd amount of obscenities before  
finally answering the phone.

TERRANCE  
Yes?

MONICA  
I need a tow truck.

TERRANCE  
Why?

MONICA  
My friend's car hit a tree.

TERRANCE  
Why?

MONICA  
I'm not sure, would you like me to  
ask?

TERRANCE  
Yes.

Monica turns to Jimmy, asking him why he ran into the tree.

MONICA  
He says he's blind.

TERRANCE  
What a noob.

MONICA  
So could you come and pick us up?  
He says he lives far away from  
here.

TERRANCE  
Sometimes I wish I didn't drop out  
and got my degree so I could be a  
doctor and help people.

Terrance then hangs up the phone and heads out to his truck,  
which is a tow truck.

EXT. OUTSIDE, SUNNY, 8 PM

Terrance is seen in his tow truck driving up to the crash.  
Jimmy is still sitting in his car as it slowly begins to  
catch on fire. Monica is doing the Hokie Pokie next to the  
car as Terrance slows down to a stop and rolls down his  
window.

TERRANCE  
I've been driving around for hours  
trying to find a car that has  
crashed into a tree since you never  
told me the address. I'm going to  
assume this is you.

JIMMY  
Please tell me where I am. This  
stupid woman won't help me out of  
my car and I have no idea what's  
going on.

MONICA  
It's not my fault, you didn't ask  
for assistance.

JIMMY  
That's because I'm mute.

TERRANCE  
Enough fighting, I will assist you  
and then tow your car to a place  
where it can be repaired.

MONICA  
No.

Terrance then opens the door to his car and goes to help  
Jimmy out of his car.

JIMMY  
Thank you sir.

TERRANCE  
(screaming)  
YOU ARE WELCOME!

JIMMY  
Would you also do the kind favor of  
taking me home? I'd do it myself  
but I have no legs.

TERRANCE  
Could you tell me why you were  
driving a car?

JIMMY  
I needed to get some groceries.

TERRANCE  
Were you out of eggs?

JIMMY  
Yes.

TERRANCE  
I have some in my truck if you  
would like them.

JIMMY  
That would be most kind.

MONICA  
I haven't said anything in a while.

Terrance then hooks the crashed car onto his tow truck using  
the assisted Jimmy into the passenger's seat of  
the truck and they both drive off. Monica spontaneously  
combusted and was burned alive before she hit the ground.

INT. THE TOW TRUCK, DARK AND MUSTY, 8:30 PM

Terrance is driving down the highway to the repair shop. His  
truck has a scent which is a mixture between seaweed and  
fish. He begins to engage Jimmy in a conversation.

TERRANCE  
So Jimmy. That was quite some  
accident you had. I expect the cost  
of your repairs to be quite a lot.

JIMMY  
It's okay, I'm rich.

TERRANCE  
How rich?

JIMMY  
Very.

TERRANCE  
Are you single?

JIMMY  
I don't roll like that dog.

TERRANCE  
(screaming)  
NOR I DOG!

JIMMY  
Cool.

The car ride down the highway is then awkwardly silent for  
five minutes and forty three seconds when Jimmy decides to  
break the ice.

JIMMY  
Where are the eggs?

TERRANCE  
I lied. I only said I had eggs to  
get you to ride with me because...  
I love you.

JIMMY  
I love you too, but you know this  
would never work out. I must take  
my leave.

Jimmy then opens the door of the car and proceeds to jump  
out. He then rolls down a hill into a pond and is attacked  
by a rabid goose.

TERRANCE  
I completely understand. You were  
too good for me anyways.

Terrance continues down the highway and eventually ends up  
in Mexico where he helps immigrants illegally cross the  
border, but we'll save that story for another time. I will  
now proceed to roll my head on the keyboard.  
qazxscdfjklm;,,

EXT. POND, SUNNY, 9 PM

A big, yellow goose is seen pecking furiously at Jimmy as he  
lies helplessly in a puddle of clear water.

JIMMY  
Please stop hurting me, it hurts.

GOOSE  
(Yelling) DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO  
I HAVE RIGHTS.

JIMMY  
So what kind of music do you like?

GOOSE  
I am quite a fan of techno.

The goose then proceeds to violently peck Jimmy on the neck  
in his jugular.

JIMMY  
Why are you doing this?

GOOSE  
It makes me feel cool.

The duck's head then explodes into many pieces. Jimmy looks  
up, puzzled, and begins to moan. A man with a weird hat and  
shotgun walks up and aims his gun at Jimmy.

GUY WITH GUN  
Oh wait, you are not a goose.

GUY WITH GUN then lowers his SHOTGUN, accidentally misfiring  
at his foot. Jimmy sits up and looks at GUY WITH GUN.

JIMMY  
Thank you for saving my life. A few  
more seconds and I would've been  
gone for sure.

GUY WITH GUN  
All these geese are hating on us  
white men.

JIMMY  
I'm not white.

GUY WITH GUN  
Really?

JIMMY  
Yes, I'm actually Caucasian.

GUY WITH GUN  
I'm actually two midgets in a  
trench coat.

JIMMY  
How arousing.

GUY WITH GUN  
You'd be surprised how often I get  
that.

A man named Carlos then walks up. He is extremely overweight  
and can barely walk. He has a Hanson T-Shirt stained with a  
large assortment of foods on. He also strongly favors the  
company of men, specifically under the age of four.

CARLOS  
(screaming silently)  
Oh my god guys why am I so stupid?

GUY WITH GUN aims his SHOTGUN at Carlos' head, with his  
finger on the trigger, when he puts down his gun to tie his  
shoe. Carlos then roundhouse kicks him in the face and takes  
his gun.

CARLOS  
DERRRRRR

Carlos then fires at GUY WITH GUN using the SHOTGUN, but as  
he does so an extremely strong gust of wind picks up,  
redirecting the bullet into Carlos' brain. There is blood  
everywhere and it looks really cool. Like, really cool.

JIMMY  
Today has been horrible.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN then goes down and sits next to  
Jimmy.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN  
Why would this be young lad?

JIMMY  
I've lost the love of my life.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN  
May I ask whom?

JIMMY  
That goose. That sexy, sexy goose.  
She was the love of my life. We'd  
been married for ten years.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN  
But you were screaming to stop.

JIMMY  
I have a pain fetish.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN  
That's quite nifty.

JIMMY  
But now... Now I don't know what  
I'll do. No one can love like her.  
When I find out whoever killed her,  
I'll kill them. With a gun.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN  
I use to have a gun.

JIMMY  
Tuesdays are my favorite day.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN  
Where have all the berries gone?

JIMMY  
What are berries?

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN  
They are a fruit.

Suddenly a man with a big hat and thick mustache drives up.  
His truck is one of those huge 4X4's which really rich white  
guys own. It has spinners. He opens the door and steps out,  
wearing a hat with a feather, a large fur coat and a long,  
golden cane. His name is Sofa King.

SOFA KING  
(screaming)  
I AM THE KING OF SOFAS.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN  
Where?

SOFA KING  
Over here.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN  
Oh hey.

SOFA KING  
Would you like to buy a sofa?

JIMMY  
I can't buy sofas, I'm poor.

SOFA KING  
Who won the argument?

JIMMY  
Could I get a ride home? All I want  
to do is get home.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN  
I would but I have no car. The  
woods are my home.

SOFA KING  
I have a truck. But it only seats  
one person. However, I could strap  
you to the top.

JIMMY  
I did, because I am the man.

Sofa King then got a bundle of bungie cords out of the bed  
of his truck. He threw Jimmy upon the top of the truck and  
then strapped him down. He proceeded to open the door, get  
in the driver's seat and drive off. GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN  
then, for no apparent reason, ran directly into a tree,  
knocking him unconscious and leaving him with a huge gash on  
his forehead.

INT. SOFA KING'S TRUCK, LIGHT, 9:30 PM

As Sofa King drives down the highway at 90 miles per hour,  
the blood begins to rush to Jimmy's head. Sofa King rides  
down the highway for at least two hours before he finally  
realizes, he has no idea where he's going. He stops the car  
on the side of the road and gets out.

SOFA KING  
Hey buddy. Where exactly do you  
live?

Sofa King looks at Jimmy and begins to worry when he notices  
blood seeping out of his eyes.

SOFA KING  
Jimmy? Come on dude, wake up!

He begins to shake Jimmy vigorously as he bleeds even more.

SOFA KING  
JIMMY WAKE UP!

Worried, he loosens the bungie cords and grabs Jimmy's  
nearly lifeless body. He stuffs it in the passenger's seat  
and then races down the highway to the nearest hospital.  
When he approaches the emergency room he grabs Jimmy's body  
and runs into the building screaming.

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM, DARK, 10 PM

SOFA KING  
I need help! My friend is bleeding  
out of his eyes and I have a  
hangnail!

A nurse immediately runs up to Sofa King with a shocked and  
worried look.

NURSE  
Oh my god! Where is your hangnail?

Sofa King lifts up his index finger.

SOFA KING  
Right here! It really hurts and  
it's starting to get red and a  
bandaid doesn't help.

NURSE  
This may require surgery. Throw  
your potato sack on that chair and  
follow me.

Sofa King throws Jimmy onto an empty chair and runs off to  
follow the nurse, when Jimmy begins to awaken.

JIMMY  
(tiredly)  
Ugh, where am I?

Jimmy then looks around to see people in lab coats running  
around and many sick people sitting in chairs nearby. The  
woman next to him is extremely obese and, unsurprisingly,  
the cousin of Carlos. She is 78, bald with yellow eyes and  
takes up a hallway whenever she walks.

JIMMY  
Am I dead?

GERTRUDE  
No, but you look like you're pretty  
close. What's wrong with your eyes?

Gertrude then pokes Jimmy in his eye. Turns out he was  
actually a time bomb and everyone blew up the end. Alright  
not really. But that'd be a cool ending, right? Jimmy  
actually recedes and screams in pain.

JIMMY  
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

GERTRUDE  
I-

Gertrude forgets to cover her hands and then begins to cough  
all over Jimmy. He is then turned into a carrier of the AIDS  
virus!

JIMMY  
Why would you do this to me?

GERTRUDE  
It's not my fault, I'm terrible  
with flirting.

JIMMY  
You didn't have to cough all over  
me!

GERTRUDE  
(furiously)  
IN MY RELIGION, IT'S A SIGN OF  
APPRECIATION!

Jimmy then lowers his head in shame. He begins to cry until  
he realizes he's crying blood. Then he comes up with an  
idea, and looks right into what he assumes are her eyes.

JIMMY  
You know what, you're completely  
right. I shouldn't be telling you  
what to do. By the way, you're  
gorgeous.

Gertrude begins to blush, which makes her look like a  
gigantic tomato.

GERTRUDE  
You're too sweet!

JIMMY  
Now, do you by any chance have a  
car?

GERTRUDE  
Why, yes! Yes I do!

JIMMY  
Would you please do the honor of  
taking me home?

GERTRUDE  
I'd love to. Wait, don't you need  
medical assistance?

JIMMY  
I'll walk it off. Wait, don't you?

GERTRUDE  
No, this is where I come to meet  
people.

JIMMY  
I'm not going to eat anymore  
skittles because my tummy hurts. So  
could you take me home?

GERTRUDE  
Let's go!

Gertrude gets out of her chair and walks off as an  
earthquake begins to form, which was no coincidence. Jimmy  
leaps out of his chair and hobbles behind her. They both  
walk out into the parking lot.

EXT. PARKING LOT, SUNNY, 11 PM

Gertrude is digging through her purple flowered purse as  
Jimmy waits impatiently for his ride home.

GERTRUDE  
Hmm... Let's see...

Gertrude continues to dig around for several minutes when  
Jimmy finally says something.

JIMMY  
(screaming)  
WHERE ARE YOUR KEYS?

GERTRUDE  
Stay calm honey, I'm almost past  
the 3rd layer.

She continues to dig through her purse as Jimmy, filled with  
anger, waits. After several more minutes, she finally finds  
the keys and hold them up to the sky.

GERTRUDE  
(singing)  
FOUUUUND THEM!

JIMMY  
Where is your car?

GERTRUDE  
Now THAT'S the hard part!

Gertrude then walks up to the nearest car, a purple mini  
van, and attempts to stick her key in the keyhole. The  
earthquake rages on. Since the key doesn't fit, she walks  
off to the next closest car, a red Jeep. Jimmy's face begins  
to turn a dark shade of purple.

JIMMY  
(screaming)  
IF I DO NOT GET HOME SOON AND WALK  
MY DOG IT WILL HAVE AN ACCIDENT AND  
I'LL HAVE TO CLEAN IT UP AND I'M  
PRETTY SURE THAT HE'S OUT OF FOOD  
AND WATER TOO!

GERTRUDE  
At the source of every error which  
is blamed on the computer you will  
find at least two human errors  
including the error of blaming it  
on the computer.

JIMMY  
(still screaming)  
THAT DOES NOT HELP IN ANY WAY AT  
ALL

Gertrude ignores Jimmy and continues down the row of cars.  
She has attempted at least 30 cars now, and there are  
hundreds more to go. Jimmy decides it'd be better if he were  
to just lie down and take a nap. One hour later he is awoken  
by the muffling of a car's engine, sits up and watches as  
Gertrude drives up right next to him in a smart car, which  
she took up nearly all of, nearly running him over.

GERTRUDE  
Hop in silly buns!

Jimmy says nothing as he crawls to the car, opens the door  
and gets in. He has difficulty closing the door and barely  
makes it, squishing his face into the window and leaving him  
absolutely no room to move.

INT. GERTRUDE'S CAR, DARK AND WARM, 12:38 AM

Gertrude is driving down the highway at 90 miles an hour as  
Jimmy sits there with barely enough air to live.

GERTRUDE  
You know, I believe this is my  
first date. No wait, this is my  
second. I remember it was back in  
the 1940's, when I use to have my  
long, golden hair...

Jimmy tries to scream out many hurtful words to her, but his  
speech is muffled by the window which he's squished against.

GERTRUDE  
It's okay, I know that I'm still  
beautiful. Anyways, I was walking  
home from school when a man jumped  
out of nowhere and asked me to give  
him all my money and said if I  
didn't, he'd shank me! I was so  
flattered.

Jimmy attempts to reach for the door handle, but Gertrude's  
fat is blocking him from doing so. His urge to commit  
suicide rises.

GERTRUDE  
So then I said "Oh my god! I've  
never been on a date before!" and  
immediately hugged him. For some  
reason he made this sound like he  
wasn't able to breath...

Jimmy could no longer take talking to her and with all his  
might, breaks open the window with his head. He jumps out  
and rolls down the highway until he comes to a complete  
stop. He is covered in many cuts and bruises, also blacking  
out for a few seconds. When he comes to his senses, he  
realizes that, once again, he must find a way home.

EXT. MIDDLE OF HIGHWAY, SUNNY, 2:51 AM

Jimmy leans up and stares down the highway. No cars are  
coming at him. He stands up and turns around, seeing again  
no cars are coming at him. Jimmy then looks down and notices  
he is not wearing pants.

JIMMY  
What happened to my pants?

Jimmy again looks around. He notices a vulture picking at  
some road kill and walks over to it.

JIMMY  
Can you help me get home?

VULTURE  
What is your role in life?

JIMMY  
I take care of my dog.

VULTURE  
I like you.

JIMMY  
I like me as well.

VULTURE  
What else do you do?

JIMMY  
Sit.

The vulture stops picking at his food and stares at him.  
Jimmy stares back.

JIMMY  
Why are you-

The vulture then makes a strange, loud noise that sounds  
similar to a battle cry and flies right at him. He pushes  
Jimmy to the ground and begins pecking at his face  
furiously.

JIMMY  
NO I NEED THIS FACE

The vulture instantly stops pecking at Jimmy. He gets off of  
him and slowly backs up cowardly. Jimmy sits up right in  
time to see the vulture's head blow up into pieces. Jimmy  
ignores this and begins to walk down the highway. Hours  
pass, when he finally sees a car driving towards him. He  
begins waving his arms furiously for attention, causing the  
driver to stop. He walks over to the passenger's side, opens  
the door and hops in.

INT. TRUCK, NIGHT, 4:38 AM

JIMMY  
Gee mister, thanks for the ride!

The truck driver stares blankly out the window.

DRIVER  
Is there any intelligent life on  
this planet?

JIMMY  
Sometimes.

DRIVER  
What country do you live in?

JIMMY  
Mexico.

DRIVER  
What city?

JIMMY  
Paris.

DRIVER  
I was on my way there.

JIMMY  
Could you drop me off at my house,  
I need to feed my dog and give him  
water.

The truck driver slowly turns his head to face Jimmy.

DRIVER  
(screaming)  
I... LOVE DOGS!

JIMMY  
So you will take me?

DRIVER  
United Kingdom.

Jimmy buckles his seat belt as the truck driver pushes the  
accelerator. After a few minutes he begins to drift off to  
sleep.

INT. JIMMY'S DREAM, DISTORTED, 4:53 AM

From what appears to be Jimmy's point of view, he is sitting  
in a chair in his living room. He looks at his TV. A show is  
on which depicts a monkey with a butcher knife stabbing the  
center of his hand repeatedly. Jimmy looks away when he  
hears a bark coming from the next room. He sees his dog  
turning a corner, which has bulging eyes and is wearing a  
party hat.

JIMMY  
Hi doggy!

Jimmy then reaches his hand out to pet the dog, but is  
interrupted.

DOG  
(robot voice)  
Stop do not do that!

Jimmy stares at the dog with discomfort. He then reaches for  
his lemonade and takes a sip.

DOG  
I have been sent from the future to  
stop you from your wrong doing!

JIMMY  
TELL ME MORE DOCTOR!

DOG  
Once you get out of the truck, a  
small child will appear. DO NOT  
TALK TO HIM. DO NOT LOOK AT HIM.  
You may only punch him right in the  
face.

JIMMY  
Do you like your government?

A small bumble bee flies in, out of nowhere, and stings the  
dog right in his spinal cord, causing him to fall over dead.  
Jimmy then runs outside and is killed by a lawn gnome when  
he wakes up.

INT. TRUCK, SUNNY, 6:20 AM

Jimmy screams as he wakes up. This causes the truck driver  
to become startled and nearly run into another car. The  
other car was red and had fuzzy dice.

DRIVER  
(screaming)  
WHY WOULD YOU SCREAM?

JIMMY  
(screaming)  
I had the craziest dream!

DRIVER  
(screaming)  
No way, what happened?

JIMMY  
(screaming)  
My dog was talking to me and it was  
from the future and then it died.

DRIVER  
Sounds hot.

JIMMY  
Yeah dude, it was probably the best  
night of sleep I've ever had.

DRIVER  
I'm jealous of you. I wish I-

Suddenly the driver crashes into a nearby lamp post. Jimmy  
is unharmed, but his friend goes flying and lands head first  
into a fire hydrant.

EXT. OUTSIDE, CLOUDY, 6:40 AM

The driver's head is cracked open and the sidewalk is  
splattered in red blood. Jimmy unbuckles his seat belt,  
opens the door and hobbles over to his friend. He stands  
over him and stares down at his head.

JIMMY  
(quivering)  
Oh... my... God...

Jimmy then leans over, reaches into his pocket and grabs his  
wallet. He opens it up and finds $20, which he then puts in  
his pocket. He begins to sob, kneels down and looks at the  
sky.

JIMMY  
(screaming, crying)  
I NEVER EVEN KNEW YOUR NAME!

Jimmy stops sobbing and looks around. He then gets a huge  
smile on his face and stands straight up.

JIMMY  
Wait, I know this place! THIS IS MY  
NEIGHBORHOOD!

He steps over the driver's lifeless corps and begins to run  
with his little stubs down the block. He waves his arms  
excitedly and grins as the wind blows into his face. He runs  
and runs and runs when he finally reaches a maroon colored  
house and runs up to the door. Jimmy checks his pocket for  
his keys, gets them out, and unlocks the door.

INT. JIMMY'S HOUSE, CLOUDY, 7:30 AM

Jimmy pushes open the door with great excitement and runs  
inside. He looks around with a huge grin on his face at his  
paintings, his TV, his table, and then remembers the whole  
reason he wanted to come home.

JIMMY  
DOGGY! WHERE ARE YOU DOGGY!

Jimmy then hears a jingle and a bark, and right before his  
dog turns a corner, a nuclear bomb sets off nearby. All that  
is shown is a blinding white light followed by a tall  
mushroom cloud.

NARRATOR  
Everyone in the general area was  
killed, except for a giraffe which  
gained super powers and protected  
the city by night, even though it  
was a barren wasteland. What a  
great end to a great story. While  
some of you may be disappointed  
with this ending, you'll be happy  
to know that if this tale had went  
on, Jimmy would've lasted five more  
seconds before dieing, due to a  
complication of massive blood loss,  
various STDs, various infections  
and ring worms. So the moral of the  
story is, if you can't see and  
don't have any legs, get someone  
else to buy you eggs.

A big screen card that says THE END shows as everyone  
applauds. I end up winning an Oscar for best picture and  
everyone loves me.

THE END


End file.
